Farage does Strictly and The Maybot goes Hollywood: Nish Kumar predicts 2018’s headlines

Trump rocks Rushmore

After declaring himself to be “a greater president than Lincoln, Roosevelt and Bill Pullman in Independence Day combined”, Donald Trump announces plans to carve his face into Mount Rushmore, and turn it into the new Mount Trumpmore Hotel. This will offer rooms across the head of the president, with a penthouse suite in his halo. He will also build a “Make America Great Again” cap to cover George Washington’s hair, which Trump says is “sad”.

Russia gets a new president

Vladimir Putin wins the Russian presidential election, after defeating his opponent: Vladimir Putin. Putin was forced to stand against himself after the other candidates died of what Russian authorities called an “unfortunate sequence of allergic reactions to bullets and poison”. Trump had announced that, in retaliation after allegations of Russian interference in the 2016 US election, his government used social media to spread misinformation in Russia. When an FBI inquiry reports all the interference was actually in favour of Putin, Trump replies: “He’s my best friend.”

Britain welcomes Meghan

The UK is hit by riots at the decision not to declare a bank holiday in honour of the wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. One protester tells a reporter, “That’s the whole point of a royal wedding. How can it be a truly British event if I’m not drunk for three days running?” A perplexed Markle comments, “In America it’s enough for people to be drunk for one day. I guess these are the kind of cultural differences I’m going to have to get used to now that I live here.”

Brexit plans go with a swing

With the October 2018 deadline to agree a deal looming, Brexit secretary David Davis leaves several key documents on the Eurostar. He apologises, saying, “Listen, full disclosure. DD hit the town after a hard day’s negotiating and got turbo-lashed. On the plus side, a lot of them were print-outs of the Wikipedia pages for Article 50 and Brexit, so it’s salvageable.” The first batch of non-EU British passports proves faulty after the covers all come out burgundy. The Government promises to give away felt-tip pens so people can colour them in.

Farage does Strictly

Former Ukip leader Nigel Farage claims that after the Brexit vote he only has one more goal – to win Strictly. He immediately hits trouble on the show after refusing to perform a paso doble because it’s just “Spanish nonsense”. He also claims that “the only tango I’m going anywhere near is fizzy and in a tin”. Despite Craig Revel Horwood’s zero scores, Farage refuses to back down and each week performs a Morris Dance around his bemused partner, claiming it’s the only “truly British dance”. He becomes the the year’s appointed comedy contestant, wins the public vote and walks it.

The Maybot goes Hollywood

Theresa May is replaced by Daniel Day-Lewis, playing her. The Conservative party hires the retired megastar to stand in for her as Prime Minister, hoping his interpretation will lead to an upswing in the polls. However, his performance is so uncanny that nobody even notices. It’s later revealed that Sacha Baron Cohen has spent the past 15 years playing the fictional character “Boris Johnson”.

Corbyn smoulders in Leeds

After his successful speaking gig at Glastonbury in 2017, Jeremy Corbyn is hired to headline the Reading and Leeds music festivals. When asked why he’s devoting his energy to this instead of opposing the Government, Corbyn says, “They’re doing a pretty good job of that themselves – I’m just going to chill out and wait.” Corbyn opens his set with a 15-minute prog-rock cover of the Black Eyed Peas hit My Humps, described by one reveller as “mind-blowing and erotic”. Corbyn is now the favourite to headline Glastonbury in 2019 – unless, of course, there is a general election.

The Mash Report is on Thursday 10.00pm BBC2