Batman v Superman: The abridged script

‘Is he though?” asks Alfred.

“Yes,” Batman says.

Wonder Woman is also there, and later watches some YouTube videos of other superheroes. They all have nice logos.

Lois Lane gets captured and Superman saves her, then saves others, but some people are mean to him about it. “Maybe this isn’t my world,” he ponders.

“But it is,” Lois replies.

“But is it?” he counters.

There is another action scene.

Batman, after being sent some mean notes decides to go and hit a tyre with a hammer for some reason. He also drags the tyre around, and does other things to the tyre. He hates the tyre nearly as much as he hates Superman.

“We need to stop Superman,” he tells Alfred in a Bat-gruff voice.

“But do we?” wonders Alfred.

“Grr,” says Batman.

Lois Lane falls off a building, but is saved again.

Meanwhile, Superman is told by Evil Michael Cera (aka Jesse Eisenberg) that his mother has been kidnapped so he has to go kill Batman.

Superman says to Batman “Hey, a baddie is tricking us. Let’s not kill each other.”

“Shut up, I don’t have to listen to you, I hate you, you're not my real dad,” Batman responds. The two white men in capes push each other over for a while.

Eventually Batman wins by using radiation poisoning, but then realises Superman’s alive mum has the same name as his dead one which means they’re best friends. They decide to team up forever instead of murdering each other with their bare hands.

Even nastier Mark Zuckerberg (also Jesse Eisenberg) is annoyed by this, but luckily he poured some of his blood on an alien earlier and threw him in some water. Now the alien is big and mean and hates Superman.

Everyone fights, including Wonder Woman who is apparently followed around by a personal electric guitarist and doesn't even have an invisible plane any more.

Lois Lane throws a spear in a pool, decides to get the spear back, falls in the pool, has a rock fall on her in the pool and nearly drowns. Superman saves her again for the 27th time teaching her nothing about personal responsibility, and uses the spear to defeat the baddie.

After the battle the film pretends someone died but they obviously didn't really.