Sarah Millican: I’m an armchair ski jumper
"I enjoy watching people do things I would never have the bottle to do"
I’ve never been skiing. For a number of reasons, I suppose. Firstly, that’s not the sort of holidays we went on growing up. Mostly we went camping or to Devon/Cornwall (the locals hate when you do that but it is essentially the same place) for walks and pasties and the excitement of knowing there was a barn owl nearby.
My dad and I would scour the high street for someone, ANYONE, with a carrier bag from a book shop, ask them for directions and then plant ourselves in front of the train books (him) or the shelves of Sweet Valley High adventures (me). Books and nature. That was me as a kid and nothing much has changed. I still “Ooh!” when I spot a fox. And clap at a hare (mostly at myself for knowing it’s a hare, not a rabbit).
Other reasons I’ve never been skiing are: it’s a sport; it’s cold; I don’t drink so wouldn’t even like the bit where you get drunk afterwards; it’s really cold. My friends will tell you how warm I like to be. They call it “Nana Hot”. My luxury at home is having the heating on whenever I like. I’ve sometimes avoided the houses of those people I know who have rules about not having their heating on between April and November. My cats sometimes try to unzip their fur.
That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t watch a show about 12 celebrities having a bit of a ski. I don’t ballroom dance or eat crocodile buttocks and I still watch those shows. So I was actually quite looking forward to Channel 4’s The Jump. I enjoy watching other people do things I would never have the bottle to do. When the contestants are interviewed saying “I like trying new things”, “I love a challenge” or “I’ll try anything once”, I think No, No and I’ll try any chocolate bar once. Apart from ones with nuts in.
My favourite bit so far is just before they do their race. As it’s filmed in Austria, the countdown is in German – “drei, zwei, eins” – but just in case anyone doesn’t understand it, there are also people shouting “GO! GO! GO!” straight afterwards.
Mam to all celebrities Davina McCall is predictably good, and I welcome the addition of Alex Brooker as her sidekick. I love him in The Last Leg. I hope they follow the rules of this type of show and introduce them with jokes based on their names or jobs.
Let’s see Marcus take “stock” of how he did today. Will Melinda make a “boob” of herself. Nicky Clarke found that “hair” raising. Oh, Ritchie Neville just came close to losing one of his fingers. He no longer has... Some of them are easier to joke about than others. Give it a go, though. It’s a fun game.
It does look cold, though. The last time I was in snow like that was when I recorded Who Do You Think You Are? in Canada and we looked in two different countries before we found salopettes that would fit me. I told them, if you want to film me crying, just join me in this fitting room. We eventually found some that would zip up in a shop in Toronto called Hogtown, which is frankly a bit rude.
Let’s do the warp again
I keep losing time to Shane Richie’s Saturday evening game show Reflex. It’s like I’m being abducted by aliens. I tune in for five minute then lose a good half an hour and can remember nothing of it.
The Sarah Millican Television Programme — Best of Series 1 & 2 is available on DVD at radiotimes.com/dvdshop
